So Swim

SO SWIM

By Gerard Gotladera (March 29, 2013)

There was always something beyond the pool. And the tall, tall trees that stood guard around it. And beyond it, deep past the darkness I've known and somewhere farther than what I've explored. And it stares right back at you, that something, comfortably darker than the dark itself yet oddly bright that it stands out, impossible to miss...

Eyes...

Cold.

White.

Eyes with a drop of what once was some hue. It disappears when you've stared too long, like a blink or a flash of light or an idea so good, so quickly conceived it leaves the moment it comes to life.

Too fast it disappears that you'd ask yourself if you've truly seen something, anything at all...

...I swam through the lunar blue of our pool, feeling my beating heart nestled safe and warm deep in the recesses of muscle, bone and skin. As I rolled through the surface, looking up and stabling myself on the water, I could still feel and hear it. It had calmed me, this kind of stillness all over, except for the heart. It reminded me for 17 years that despite what could've been-should've been, I still am alive...

...

The story goes that during my mom’s pregnancy, at some point she considered not having a child. Her reasons, only God knew. But God knew better and gave her one. And then another. And then she had me. Frank came first, Polly second and then her baby, myself. Greg. Of us three, she had the worst, most excruciating time with me. Complications they say, something about her heart.

When the time came to finally give birth to me, they saw something else inside her body. Another person. The story continues that I was supposed to have a twin. But it was surprising that in the age of advancement, they had only seen the other just hours, minutes before it came to life.       

Mom had a troublesome heart, too weak to give birth to twins. My twin died in her womb on my way out.

“This kind of accident and occurrence could’ve killed Greg too. He’s a lucky boy.” The doctor told my mom, as if this was consoling to a mother who had already lost a child even before it could walk. My father was keen on suing the hospital for such negligence. But after much investigation, there was not enough proof to win a horrifying and curious case.

So it goes the unsolvable mystery that was my twin, who had-out of nowhere, just came to be. Nobody could explain the phenomenon. My father’s parents considered approaching a priest, for Science had failed us and had not one valid reason to give. Unfortunately, no one had the time and my mom didn’t like it.

Hard-earned money and a strong, supportive family kept my mom afloat. There was a tendency, they said, for my mother to lose her mind after the death of my brother. But she managed and dad believed that the therapy sessions, the expensive psychologists did their job well. She was obviously alright when she had asked for a new home.

“A house with a pool. And trees around it.” That was all she asked. Her face all lit up like she had seen it clearly in her head. Soon we got the house. I grew up in the house and couldn’t imagine any other home to live in. Spacious, airy, far from the chaos of main roads and crowded haunts. It was ideal. Especially the pool. Something about it just drew me in. It had so much hold on me that I’d get up extra early on summers to swim and head back in only when it was time for dinner.

No one minded it, until my mom grew annoyed. She came to me once, in her long house dress, hair tied to the back of her head. I was 8 and she just got into her 30s. Her white face decorated by swirly lines of blue from the pool and as I sailed a little ship on the surface of it, she crouched down at me and pointed towards the trees.

“They say that past those trees, somewhere not too far from this pool, is a living creature. Watching at night, when someone is out for a swim.”

“What is it?” I asked, glancing up at her. She smiles.

“No one knows...It comes at night, showing itself but not for too long.”

“What does it want?”

My mom looked at the trees quietly, somehow a little anxious as if she was expecting something, someone.

“It wants you...” The back of my nape prickled and my heart had fallen down my stomach. Mom looks at the trees still and then faces me, her smile like the devil’s.

“That’s why you should get in and not spend your entire day outside. Stop making this your room, okay? You have chores to do and family to be with...Come on.” Of course a part of it teased me, having the back of the house all for myself. But those trees kept a secret and somewhere in there is something I do not know. The longer I stared at the trees and the dark and the two marrying into one, the more I had split my thoughts in two -wanting to know what mom was talking about and not ever wanting to find out.

I felt mom wanted me to learn a lesson. And I obliged. But that night changed it all for me. When she took me in for dinner, back at the trees was a rustling sound. I quickly turned around, catching a sliver of white passing through the trunks. And then it had gone. I held on to my mom. She just looked back and not spoke a word.

Since then my mom always told me of the thing living beyond the pool. I followed her when she used this card against me, some fear and curiosity she managed to pull from my psyche that worked to her advantage.

Frank and Polly would lose toys, balls, Frisbees in those little woods and got back out alive. Meanwhile I was torn between intentionally losing something in to retrieve it and face the unknown or just stand far from it and its reach and see if there was any truth to mom’s story.

I swam one night, fueled by an 11 year old’s whim to discover for myself what she had told me. I jumped into the pool, almost incredibly accustomed to the sudden rush of cool, cool water, took to the floor and swam through the heavy yet weightless drag and successfully reached the other end in one long breath.

There I was, face-to-face with the trees and the black spaces between them. I rest my arms and face on the gutter and stared intently into the dark, feeling my heart create ripples on the water. Nothing. Minutes passed by, still...nothing.

“Hello...” I called into the woods, my voice dying in the open space. The sound of crickets rung after my call and nothing else...

I know you’re there...I heard in my head.

Nothing. I was wasting my time. Mom had told me an incredible lie. So I swam back, in a relaxed, more fluid line than before. I got up, wrapped myself in a towel and made a run for the door after hearing my mom’s call.

“Nothing there mom.” I told her, fitting the huge spoon in my mouth during dinner. Mom smiled and shook her head,

“You love that story too much.”

 Frank looked at me strange, Polly asked what I was talking about and my dad glanced at me from his basketball game.

“Well there will be something there if you don’t behave.” She warned.

When I was 12, by some odd occurrence, I found myself standing in the dead of the night, in my t-shirt and shorts in the middle of our living room. The blue light from the pool poured in through the clear glass sliding doors that led to it. It was so still that it was deafening to hear my own breathing and heart beating.

It was 2:40 am.

The last memory I had awake was staring at my bookshelf. Not an idea of how I got there. But I was there. I know it was natural to head back up to my room or call someone’s attention just because. But that night, I remember feeling so terribly dazed and suffocated in my own living room. I stepped out, immediately setting my eyes on the pool and taking in as much air as possible.

I looked around our backyard- trees, pool, Little Tikes playground set, a little kiosk, nothing new. The water though wasn’t still. Without a hint of breeze, our pool was alive, moving the way it would when a person swims through one lap. I walked closer, slowly and checked if there was anything peculiar in the pool...Nothing. Strange... What’s happening? And then I heard my mom’s voice in my head:

There is something out there beyond the pool, in the woods...

I’d lost all my senses, my temperature and a loud high-pitched ring shot through my head. For a moment, everything went windy and the chill numbed my ever inch. But nothing had prepared me for what I saw.

Across me on the other side of the pool stood a boy, all paper white, black hair, silver eyes and an open black mouth shaped like a smile, staring and his hand towards my direction. I fell on the pebbled floor, lost balance and kicked against the tiny rocks to keep me as far away as possible. It stood there, still smiling and watching and trying to say something until-

“GREG!” I looked up. It was mom, bothered and worried and confused.

“MOM IT’S THE BOY!!”

“What are you talking about?” She lifted me and faced the opposite side of the pool.

“THERE’S A BOY MOM, IT’S GOING TO GET ME!”

“There’s no boy anywhere Greg, what’s happening?!” She was right. There was no boy. Anywhere...Not even across us where it was supposed to be standing only seconds ago.

            Dad looked at me, all tired. He just got up from bed and had heard all my screaming. Polly was making me a cup of hot chocolate, Frank stood there, scratching his head at me. I heard the door by the pool close and mom appears in the kitchen with us.

“Now Greg, what’s really going on?”

“I told you Dad, I woke up in the living room. Went out the pool and saw the boy...” The image went on a loop in my head: all that midnight blue and silver and the shocking thin white of the boy in the midst of it. I shivered and immediately rubbed my arms off the goose bumps. Dad studied me, just like Frank. Mom was watching from a far.

“Mom there was a boy. You saw it right?!” I said. Polly fit a red mug in front of me, hot chocolate trying its best to calm me down. It was already 4 in the morning and mom and dad had work in a few hours, while everyone else was on summer break. It just wasn’t the convenient time to see things. My dad turned to my mom, waited for a good five seconds for at least a sound. She looked at me with pity that I had gotten myself sick in the head.

“I think we need to see a doctor. You’ve been saying you see things in our backyard that no one sees. And I think you’re already too old for an imaginary friend.” When dad mentioned an imaginary friend, I shook so hard. I was that scared at the thought of it, that strange, white boy, that a shiver was heightened to almost a convulsion.

            I became friends with my psychologist Dr. Martin. He was younger than my parents and was nice-looking. They say he loved kids and had managed to get them better from whatever funk they were in. In his office, he had pops of color from toys that I couldn’t understand. He said it was art. I shrugged. But Dr. Martin was a nice man, despite his strange taste in toys (or art). But what I liked most about him was that he believed me.

 “You don’t seem like the kind who’ll make up things to get attention.”

“There really was a boy. I hope people could see it. But it’s too scary to see...” I said, looking away and purging myself off the image. Dr. Martin inhaled and cleared his throat. He looked around, cautious, as if someone stood in the corner watching our conversation.

“Greg we’ve been talking for months now and you never told me this story your mom loves to tell you...” I looked up at him and felt my throat close up. I turned my attention to my shoes and stepped harder on the floor to stop myself from shaking.

“It just might be the thing that could help you feel better, less fearful of your house...”

There was always something beyond the trees, I started...Farther into the woods, but not far enough from our swimming pool. It watches. And it waits. Sometimes, I said, it swims in our pool. But it gets back up the second you notice it dipping in your space. As I told him this story he had abandoned his notebook, intently looking at me.

“I’d seen it more times than I’m supposed to. I’ve seen it in dreams. I’m not even sure if I’m asleep or awake...But I do see it. That white thing...”

“You’ve seen the boy many times?”

I shook my head. Scared that this conversation might awaken the boy.

“Then what do you see?”

“Just movements...And only glimpses of his body. But not him...Only once.” Dr. Martin sits back, studies me and swallows. I knew he was going to tell my parents to spend more time with me. Dad was always away for work and when he’d get home, he was too tired to listen to any of our stories. Mom was the same. She’d be majorly invested in cooking and keeping the house together. Only Frank and Polly cared. But they didn’t like me telling these stories. I felt like they always had to blame the parents for it. As if spending time with me would take away the image...the fact.

“I have a friend,” Dr. Martin says. “whose expertise might come in handy. I’ll talk to your parents, ask them when we can see the house. I’ll bring my friend along.” That, was the best news I’d heard in ages.

            Dr. Martin stood by the pool one late afternoon, smoking a cigarette and waiting for his friend to come out of the house. It took Dr. Martin and his friend 2 years to finally get my parents’ approval to visit our house. That long...And that was because my mom hated the idea of inviting a spiritualist in.

“I don’t believe in these things. And I don’t like it.” She said. But my dad wanted me to feel better, the way he had wanted it with my mom when she had me and lost my twin. There was no other solution. And there was honestly no harm in letting in a spiritualist, my dad said. 2 years down the drain and finally...Mom was swayed. She dressed up for our guests. I looked like I was going to sing on TV: blue suit, white shirt, khaki pants and bulky black shoes. My siblings had gone off with their friends and Dad decided that after the house inspection-whatever was to happen, we head out for dinner with Dr. Martin and his friend.

“Quite a nice place you got here.” Dr. Martin told my mom after blowing smoke. My mom smiled, almost unmoved by his praise.

“Thank you Dr. Martin. We try to keep it as beautiful as it should be.” I stood by her, my hands in my pockets, wanting to head inside before anything unusual happens. Since I saw the boy, I’d never gone out swimming. I had feared swimming. And the dark. And trees. At school I got teased for all my fears, but I didn’t budge, because there were far more scarier things than boys teasing me of cowardice.

“And here is the pool...” My dad stepped out, guiding Dr. Martin’s friend outside. Dr. Martin’s friend was a regular, sharp dressed man: glasses on like Dr. Martin’s, hair short, button down was casual but neat. He just looked regular and clean. But that all changed when he stepped out of the house. His lips grew small and he squinted his eyes towards the trees. Hands now tied to the back and he just inhaled long, too long to realize that he wasn’t liking what he was seeing.

“What’s the matter Vince?” Dr. Martin looked at him. We all looked at Vince. He never moved a muscle since he stepped out. Vince looks at my father and then at my mom. The way he studied my mom was strange. I could only compare it to a man looking inside a closed shop and waiting to see something move at the back of the store. There was no other way to say it.

“Anything wrong?” My mom said, disturbed. Vince moves back and finally takes steps towards the pool. A good scan of the place and he looked back at us.

“Sometimes the dead find a way to reach our world...There are many concrete things that they use as bridges to us. And this is because they want us to know something.” Vince walked the frame of the pool, holding us audience to his eerie speech. I could understand him well enough.  Vince looked at us and then faced me.

“There are things we do not know that only the dead could shine light on...This pool...” He said. “is the bridge...Whatever, whoever has been disturbing this place wants you-“ He pointed at me. “to know something important.”

“What should we do?” Dad asked. Should we move? Should I have this pool cemented and filled? Dad suggested.

“I don’t think it’s the pool sir. Or the house...”

We looked at each other. Vince was troubled. He inhaled a long one and then shook his head. His parting words:

“Sometimes it’s not the dead that we should fear, but those who are living...”

            After Vince and Dr. Martin, nothing happened again. My dad was convinced that Dr. Martin was a good doctor, the same way he was convinced that my mom was alright some decades ago when she had me. It was as if all that the house needed was some cleaning. And then it was gone. But I’d never swam again. Or stayed out too long alone. Polly and Frank got back from their trip and I told them as they itched from their sunburns and their mosquito bites, about what went on while they were away.

“You saying we have a ghost here?” Frank asked. “So you weren’t lying?!”

“I never lied Frank. Why would I and what for?”

“Cause you’re the weirdest of the lot, I mean, no offense kid, you’re my brother...But remember you’re supposed to have a twin...And then...I don’t know.” Frank gave up, scratching all over. Polly raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m just happy you feel better. No more visions?” I shook my head. Good, she said.

“But Vince said that it will come back.” They stared at me, Frank in disbelief and Polly in curiosity.

“What do you mean?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I slumped on my bed and across me, caught a glimpse of the pool. The trees by it dark and ominous, watching...

“He just said that when it comes back, I better pay attention and not be afraid. It has something to say...”

...

The moon was watching me, her stars once and a while showing off some glitter as choreographed as most of nature is. And it was beautiful. I was falling asleep, counting stars and proud that I had floated on in such still, unmoved fashion when little waves slowly woke me up. Nothing's changed, but there obviously was something different. Some foreign object had disturbed the peace of the waters and it was growing harder. Little waves like ripples were now strong enough to tip my float and force me to get up and check what was going on. I swing my legs down and feel my stomach crunch under the weightless water and immediately check around. There was nothing here. And the water had calmed down too. 

"Mom?" I called, now familiar with my own voice. The house was approximately ten long steps from the pool and it was still lit. Mom didn't answer, she wasn't here. Something wasn't right anymore. And I had to admit that this was all too familiar.

“Frank? Polly?” Nothing. “Dad?!”

The top of my ears felt cold and my nape grew tingly. I looked around in search for something, anything just to satisfy my curiosity. When I turned to the trees I caught a glimpse of an incredibly white object, slicing through a tree and ruffling some plants that lay on the ground. I moved back, feeling my once calm heart race madly inside my chest. 

"Who's there?!" The water just rippled, a reaction from my sudden movement. The plants that it had disturbed were slowly heading back to their upright positions. The moon watched on, her stars still glowing and everything else looking at me as if they knew what it was while I had feared for my life.

"Hello?" I called, one last time, my voice dying in the open space. I kept my eyes on the tree where the flash of white disappeared and waited long until I memorized how it looked in the dark. I was slowly walking back to the pool's edge to where my towel was and had planned to head back inside as fast as I could. And just as I was about to head up, there it was again, a fast flash of white letting itself in plain sight, like catching a glimpse of a pale, pale foot stepping off past a wall. I screamed too loud for my own good that in such short notice everyone was outside, my parents, Frank and Polly and our three maids.

"What happened?" My dad asked.

"There's something there-" I pointed and stumbled on my way up the slippery steps of our pool. My mom looked at the tree I was pointing at, gave it a thought and a smile cracked her beautiful 40 year old face. 

"Don’t tell me you still believe in that story...Come on...Let's get inside. Jesus Christ, I can't believe my 17 year old is scared of a childhood story..."

"But there really was something there. Do I look like I'm shitting you?" 

"Mom he's shaking." Polly felt my shoulders and put on the thick orange towel I kept by the pool. My mom went off to frown at my language and gave a short speech about respect. Frank meanwhile, walked to the other side of the pool, looked into that eternal darkness and turned to us, confused.

"Nothing there bud..." Frank said, yawning and bracing his waist. I looked behind Frank and saw nothing but a tree. When we've all decided I was on drugs and that I was crazy, we all headed back inside. By the door I gave the night one last look and saw the pool in ripples and waves dashing towards where the trees were, as if someone had raced through the pool, got up and disappeared.

            All I could remember was someone calling my name...Again and again. It wasn’t a vision in a dream. But a voice. From a distant place, like somewhere from below. And it sounded cold. I sat up in sweats. The moon peeked through the window. I held my breath, kept it and blew what I could.

I’m okay, I’m okay.

Nothing but a dream.

I stood up, wiping my sweat and went down for water. As I landed the clearing and saw the living room and the kitchen in plain sight, I almost jumped at the apparition by the door and the sudden high-pitched ring that deafened me. His body was white, eyes silver and mouth black. It did come back. It stood there, like normal people do, in between the opening, a finger curled at me as an invitation. I froze and felt my head about to burst. When I wasn’t moving, it fled to the pool and the loud sound of a dive came.

When it comes and visits do not fear it. It has something to tell you. Fear those who stay awake, and those who are alive...For they keep dark, dark secrets.

I ran to the kitchen. Ran to the pool and saw someone terribly, painfully familiar I couldn’t believe it. I was swimming now. It was my body. My face. The every inch of familiar skin that dressed me and the features that came with it, it wore. He surfaced for air and looked back at me, a sinister version of my face.

“What do you want?!” I shivered. He swam towards the woods, lifted himself up and disappeared. I ran after it and jumped in the pool. I got up, feeling light and somewhat unafraid. When I was about to enter the forest, he came out, his face half hidden behind a tree. He wore nothing and it scared me that he was just like me. Like I was staring at a mirror.

“Finally you came...” He sounded far, even when he was in front of me. I stood there, speechless and kept the sound of Vince’s voice on loop in my head.

Do not fear it....Do not fear it...

His eyes were turning silver like the moon and slowly, he was losing the human flesh that we shared.

“Take my warning Greg...There are many of us who have gone before you. Save those you can save-“ While he was talking, his sound grew farther. And every hair on my body rose up as he continued losing flesh and turning into a horrifying vision of white. “-and keep far from her as possible...”

“Who are you talking about?” I asked. He smiled and pointed above me, his movement too swift.  I turned around and saw my parents’ window, empty.

“She has a secret. And she will keep them. She will keep doing it Greg...Save yourself...” It slithered towards me, holding my face with a frozen, painful grip. It looked into my eyes and I looked back into a deep blue of nothing. All it was, was water rolling onto itself. Waves crashing and pools of blood and loud, painful cries... Like I was being sucked in a huge tornado and as if blades were cutting my jaw, it let me go when I had seen it...The message. I fell on my knees. Blood dressed my white shirt from the cuts on my chin and cheek. And I cried. I couldn’t breathe and I was suffering from a terribly scared heart.

“Fear her, Greg. Save yourself...Save the others too...” It crouched down at me. My twin. It gave me one last look and then it ran far into the darkness, disappearing, until he was only a memory.

I looked behind me and saw the silver blue pool, peaceful with only small ripples dancing on it. The bridge. And the small woods, dark and knowing. I turned around and found myself kneeling in front of the house. A loud thump at my heart told me the night had only begun. And it was about to get stranger, worse...I had lost my senses but could sharply remember looking back...past our swimming pool, somewhere in the tall trees that guarded it, a familiar woman in white standing there, watching and smiling like the devil. (By Gerard Gotladera, March 29, 2013)