The Devil's Five-Hand

THE DEVIL’S FIVE-HAND

By Jerry Bachs (March 6, 2013)

            The cool wind breezed through the roof deck, disturbing the calm waters of the swimming pool, snaking through stacks of used plates, bowls, and half empty bottles of liquor and spirit, and almost blowing away the playing cards on the table.  The three remaining people on the table instinctively pinned the cards under their palms, preventing the cards from following the breeze.

            “If they fly off the ledge, it’s a long way down,” said Adrian.

            “It is,” agreed Kara.  “If they do fly off, you’ll have to go all the way down to pick them up for us.”

            “Why?  It’s been an hour since your birthday.”

            “But I can tell Grace to tell you to pick them up.”

            Grace just blushed.

            Adrian gathered the cards and shuffled.  “But why does it have to be me?  Dennis is doing nothing.”

            The two girls turned to look at another boy sitting on a mono-block looking at the city lights.  That boy, Dennis, seemed unaware, or even indifferent, that the people at the table had turned their attention to him.

            “Dennis is cleaning up for us,” Kara replied.

            “Right.  All he’s been doing is emptying bottles.  For a minute there, I thought that he was going home, just like everybody else.”

            “How is he going home?” Grace asked.

            “Who cares?” Adrian said, lighting another cigarette.  “Let’s just play cards.”

            Adrian cut the cards twice, for luck, before distributing two cards each for Kara, Grace, and him.  He then set up the three community cards.

            None of them were really gamblers.  But parties, alcohol and cards were a sure cocktail for casual gambling.            The customary guide to poker was part of the deck.  Also, Adrian occasionally watched Celebrity Poker Tournaments on TV.  But that was just about all the experience they had on gambling.

            Queen of Hearts.  Three of Spades.  Seven of Spades.

            Silence.

            “Adrian, we forgot to put the blinds.”

            “Sorry.”

            Adrian filled his glass with a finger of rum.  Everyone else followed.

            Silence.

            “Grace?”

            “Check.”

            Kara filled her glass with two more fingers.  Adrian and Grace followed.

            “Check.”

            Adrian added another card to the community cards.  Ten of clubs.

            “Grace?”

            “Check.”

            “Check.”

            Adrian added another finger to his glass.  Grace and Kara added another finger in theirs.

            Adrian drew a Queen of Diamond and placed it with the community cards.

            “Fold.”  Grace drank her glass empty.

            Kara added another finger.

            Adrian added two.  Kara followed.

            “Show your cards, Adrian.”

            Adrian had a Seven of Clubs, giving him a two pair.

            Kara had a Queen of Spades.

            “Crap.”

            Adrian took his glass, chugged the contents, coughed and wheezed.  Smiling, Kara pushed her glass towards Adrian.  Adrian took a few breaths before drinking from Kara’s glass as well.  He coughed even further.

            “It would have been different if we had actual chips for this.”

            “Do you really want to bet money?” Kara asked.

            “All I’m saying is that it would have been more fun.  What do you think, Babes?”

            Grace turned.  She had been looking at Dennis, who hasn’t budged for the past five minutes.  “Is he all right?”

            “Is he awake?”

            “Is he alive?”

            “That’s so mean, Adrian.  I thought you guys were buddies.”

            “Shouldn’t we invite him to play with us?” Grace asked.

            “Why?”

            “Because Dennis is my guest.  Because even if it isn’t my birthday, it’s still my party.  Because, having four players would be more exciting.  And you know what?  I’m inviting him right now.”

            “If he’s awake.”

            Dennis’s hand moved.  He was taking another swig.

            “See?”

            Kara stood up and walked over to Dennis.  Grace and Adrian just watched as Kara put her arm over Dennis’s shoulder.  Other than the swig, Dennis still wasn’t moving.

            “He’s not going to play,” said Adrian.  He doused his cigarette and lit another.

            Dennis stood up and walked towards them.

            “Hi,” Grace said, but Dennis just sat down.

            “You know the game?” Adrian asked.  Dennis just rolled his eyes at him.  Adrian shrugged and shuffled the cards.

            “Come on, Dennis,” Kara told him.  “Be nice.  After all, it’s my party.”

            Adrian cut the deck twice for luck before giving the players two cards each.  He paused slightly before placing the community cards on the table.

            Jack of Clubs.  Two of Diamonds.  Four of Spades.

            The players eyed each other.

            “Who’s starting, again?” Dennis finally asked.

            “Let’s start with you,” Adrian replied.

            Dennis poured two fingers of rum.

            “You’re supposed to only pour one.”

            “No big blinds, small blinds?  I thought you knew the game.”

            Adrian just kept quiet.

            “Anyway, I still have to make my bet.”

            Dennis added another finger.

            “Fold,” Grace said.  She drank her rum.

            “Fold.”  Kara finished off her glass too.

            “Check.”

            Adrian placed the fourth card.  Two of Spades.

            Dennis and Adrian just stared at each other.

            “Check.”

            Adrian added another finger.  Dennis did the same.

            Dennis then emptied the bottle.

            “I’m not folding, Adrian.”

            Adrian placed the last card. Five of Clubs.

            Silence.

            “I better drink this up,” Dennis said.

            “We haven’t seen our hands yet.”

            But Dennis had already downed the glass.

            “Dennis!”

            “What?” 

Dennis downed Adrian’s glass as well.

            Adrian flipped Dennis’s cards.  Four of Hearts and Two of Hearts.  A Two-Pair.  Adrian picked up his own cards and flipped them too.  Seven of Diamonds and Ace of Clubs.  Zilch.

            “Oops,” Dennis mumbled.  “Why don’t you just pour yourself a drink?”

            “This is not how we play this game,” Kara said.

            Dennis stared at her.  “This game is actually boring.”

            Adrian looked at Grace accusingly.

            “No, really,” Dennis continued.  “Where’s the risk?  In a party, people get drunk anyway, right?”

            Nobody responded.

            “That isn’t much of a risk, is it?”

            Kara’s eyes narrowed.  “Well, what do you suggest we play then?”

            Except for Dennis, nobody had ever heard of how the Devil’s Five-Hand was played. Dennis shuffled the cards.  He then handed out five cards each to Kara, Grace, Adrian, and for himself.  Kara, Grace and Adrian immediately arranged their cards.  Dennis just observed them quietly.

            “How is this played?” Adrian demanded.  He had finally run out of cigarettes.  “How do we place bets?”

            “We bet dares.”

            “That is such a dumb game.”

            “Shut up, Adrian,” Kara hissed.  “Let’s just give Dennis’s game a try.”

            Dennis looked around.  “Anyone wants to start?”

            Nobody spoke up.

            “How about you, Grace?”

            Grace’s stare shifted to the floor.

            “Bet anything.  Say, eat a square of tissue paper.”

            Grace looked at Adrian.  Adrian just nodded.

            “Eat a square of tissue paper?”

            “There.  Now it’s my turn.  Eat two squares of tissue paper.”

            “This is dumb,” Adrian said.

            “Kiss the winner’s shoe,” Kara proposed.

            Everyone looked at her.

            “Now that’s a bet,” Dennis said.

            “Kiss the winner’s shoe thrice,” Adrian added.

            “You guys are so disgusting.  I fold.”

            “Careful, Grace.  One rule in Devil’s Five-Hand is that if you fold twice in a row…”
            Dennis paused.  He looked around at first.  He then went to the table with all the liquor and spirit.  Dennis selected a bottle of gin.  It still had around two thirds left in it.  Dennis filled the glass midway before rejoining the people at the table.

            “As I was saying, Grace, if you fold twice in a row, you’ll have to drink up this glass.  If you fold thrice in a row, you’ll have to drink up again, but with a full glass.”

            Grace just looked down.

            “Shall we continue?”

            “It’s your turn.”

            “We’re just familiarizing ourselves with the rules.  Kiss the winner’s shoes thrice?  I’ll call it.  How about you, Kara?”

            “I’ll fold.”

            “Your cards, Dennis.”

            Adrian had the King of Diamonds for his high card.  Dennis had a Pair of Sixes.

“Still think it’s a dumb game?  Kiss my shoes, Adrian.”

“Eww,” Kara said.

Adrian hesitated, and finally did.

“I’m out,” Grace said.

“Already?  How about you, Adrian?”

Silence.

“Deal the cards.”

Dennis cut the cards, shuffled, and cut them again.  He then dealt the cards.

“The nice thing about Devil’s Five-Hand,” Dennis said as he dealt the cards, “is that you don’t really run out of chips.  And like real card games, it’s not about playing cards but playing people.”

“Shall we play now?” Adrian yawned.

Kara, Adrian, and Dennis got their cards.  Grace moved her chair beside Adrian.  Dennis glanced at her.

“You’re sure you don’t want to play?”

“I’m sure.”

“Let’s play,” Adrian pressed.

“Eat four squares of tissue paper.”

“Again with the tissue paper.  Finish that bottle of gin without putting the bottle down.”

“Dennis would like that.  Winner gets everything in the loser’s pockets.”

“Losers eat the winner’s booger.”

“Winner pinches losers in the armpit.”

“Eww.”

“Losers lick the floor.”

“The whole floor?”

“Just one lick.”

“That’s too much like kissing the winner’s shoes.”

“This time it’s with tongue.”

“You’re on!”

Dennis, Kara and Adrian showed their cards.

Kara and Dennis went on their knees and gave the floor a lick.

“You guys are so immature,” said Grace.

“It’s just a game, Babes.”

Adrian shuffled the cards.

By this time, Dennis had eaten two squares of tissue paper, had “I am Stupid” written on his forehead with a marker, and downed half a glass of gin.  Kara also had an “I am Stupid” on her forehead and was trying to finish her full glass of gin.

“Am I in a lucky streak or not?”

“Careful, Adrian.  That’s the easiest way to get jinxed.”

“Finish your gin.  I’m ready to deal.”

Kara tried to swig but ended up sputtering.  Adrian dealt the cards.

“Being a generous guy, I’ll let you guys start the betting.”

“Losers do a duck walk around the roof deck.”

“Losers roll around the roof deck.”

“Losers do a duck walk twice around the roof deck.”

Kara and Dennis did a duck walk twice around the roof deck.

An hour later, Dennis had his shirt inside out, with all sorts of profane scribbles written on his arms.  Kara was slightly tipsy from folding out of the game so many times.

“This game is getting boring,” Adrian yawned.

“Just one more,” Dennis said.

“You are a glutton for punishment.”

“Are you a sissy now?”

Kara giggled.  “Ooh, tension.  Grace, you should be jealous.”

Grace said nothing for a moment.

“Adrian, I want to go home.”

“Wait.  I’ll indulge Dennis before we go.  Loser dunks his face on the cake.”

“That’s a waste of cake, Adrian.”

“You wouldn’t mind anyway, right, Kara?”

“Sure, sure.  Whatever.”

Dennis dealt the cards.

“I’ll tell you what.   How about the winner gets to ask the losers a question which they will have to answer honestly and completely?”

Silence.  The wind grew chill.  It was quarter past two.

“That is one dumb bet.”

“Scared, Adrian?”

“I’ll take it on.  It’s the last round anyway, right?”

Kara drank another glass of gin.  She swooned.

“You’re folding again?”

“Me?  No.  Just wanted to drink…”

They showed their cards.  Kara had a Full House.

“Yay!  Finally!  Now, what to ask?”

“Ask Adrian how he was able to court Grace.”

Adrian glared at Dennis.  Grace noticed.

“Adrian?”

Kara, however, propped herself up at her mono block’s back rest.  “Nice question.  How did you court Grace?”

“Why don’t you ask Grace?”
            “Grace isn’t playing.  You are.  You know the rules.”

Kara tapped her fingers lazily on the table.

“So I courted her like anybody would.  There.”

“Like anybody would?”

“You’re not the one asking questions, Dennis.  It’s Kara’s win.”

Kara glanced at Dennis.  “You seem to know much.  How did Adrian court Grace?”

“He and I had a bet.”

“Shut up, Dennis.”

“Hush,” Dennis mumbled.  “Kara won, right?  And I’m supposed to answer her question honestly.  Anyway, Kara, Adrian and I watched this teen flick about dudes betting on whether they can make the girls say yes, and we wondered on whether such bets happen in real life…”

Eyes turned to Grace who had already turned pale.  She quickly stood up and started walking.  Adrian stood up.

“Don’t you dare follow me!”

And she slammed the door.

“Why you little…”

“Stop it, Adrian!  Not here at my place!”

Adrian stopped himself and sat down.  Dennis looked at him smugly.

“There’s more ways to win Devil’s Five Hand than just through the cards.”

Adrian took hold of the bottle closest to him.

“Adrian!”

Adrian poured himself a drink.  After he downed it, he smiled.

“Of course.  It’s just a game.”

“Let’s stop playing.  It’s spoiling my birthday.”  Kara gathered the cards, but Adrian stopped her.  All that time, he was eyeing Dennis and Dennis eyed him back.

“You can stay out, Kara.  But Dennis will have to give me a chance to recover my losses.”

“Deal the cards.”

It was finally three in the morning, the witching hour.  Both boys were dripping wet in their clothes, wearing their underwear on their heads, and profanities were now written all over their faces, necks, and arms.  Beside them, four empty bottles of hot sauce, all the liquor bottles empty, and two glasses half empty of urine.

“This is too much,” Kara said, exasperated.

“You should join us,” Adrian replied, without even glancing at her.  “I never thought it would be this much fun.”

“I told you so,” Dennis chimed in.  “With money, somebody’s bound to get wiped out.  With alcohol, somebody’s bound to get wasted.  But with this…”

“You’re delaying the inevitable, Dennis.  How about another round?”

“Loser licks the ash tray.”

“Loser sniffs the ashes off the ash tray.”

“Winner pisses on loser.”

 “You guys are unbelievably disgusting.”

“Loser walks around the edge.”

“Of the swimming pool?”

“Of the building.”

“Stop it, guys, that’s dangerous.”

“Don’t worry, Kara, we’re still sober.”

“I agree with Dennis, Kara.  Both of us could still walk a straight line.”

Kara clearly saw that neither could. 

The wind blew hard.

“Very well, Dennis.  I’ll take you on.”

“Wait!  I’ll take you on too.”  Kara drew some cards.

For once, Kara hoped to be among the ones to lose.  At least she could be sober enough to push the drunken loser to the right side of the edge.  If she would only get…

“Wow.  I could cross this one off my bucket list.”

“Happy Birthday, Kara.  That’s a Royal Flush.”

And before Kara could do anything, the two boys climbed up the building’s ledge.  The wind blew the cards off the table; it was a long way down. (by Jerry Bachs, March 6, 2013)